


Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.

by britpop



Category: Blur
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 09:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2304341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britpop/pseuds/britpop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Graham reflects on Damon's addiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place now, reflecting on the mid 90s.  
> Titled from David Foster Wallace's 'Infinite Jest'.  
> tw; drug abuse, mention of physical abuse.

At first it wasn't that big of a problem. They were a band an incredibly famous, on-top-of-the-world pop band and they'd all had their fair share of drugs. At parties, before gigs, at clubs, on television shows.. They'd done it before and it was fun, made the worries go away for some hours, and then it all settled back in and they went about their lives, like the high had never happened.  
It started to become a problem towards the peak of their careers, Damon started being late to interviews and no matter how many times you called him, he'd never answer. He fell off the face of the earth for the time being and the three would have to figure out what to do on their own.  
The one that always saw the extent of Damon's addiction was Graham. He had always seen the bad side of Damon more intensely than anyone else.  
He remembers when he was sent to get Damon the first time, and he found him lying on the carpet, belt fastened around his arm. Just lying there mumbling to himself. It'd made Graham's heart stop beating for a moment, and he locked the door and told the rest of the band that Damon was ill and couldn't participate. 

No one knew, but Graham. No one but Graham, who spent hours by Damon's side. Who came to his aid no matter what, disregarding his own health, his own safety. The one who cared more than anyone in the entire universe, the one who fell for it.  
During these highs he'd ask for Graham, stumble out of his room for a moment to take Graham back in with him. It had always made him uneasy. He hated seeing Damon like this, in a fucked up dream state, slurring his words and touching him everywhere with those fingers that rubbed and prodded and poked at all the right places inside of him. No matter how many times Damon told him he loved him, he adored him, that he was his world, he'd always somehow end up lying on the bed, blood dripping down his nose or his side aching, and Damon. Clinging to him and apologizing over and over again, and after awhile Graham didn't hear him anymore.

Looking back on it, maybe that was Damon's way of asking for help. Maybe the trembling after the injection, maybe the nights he spent wrapped around Graham, talking about the future, maybe those rushed apologizes were him asking, pleading for help. He just hadn't noticed, it didn’t seem real then. Nothing did.

He'd tried it several times, but it never resonated with him in the same way it did Damon. Sure it was good, it made every fiber of his being grimace, but he'd always end up being at his limit towards the end. It'd always end in him hunched over the toilet or trash bin, head spinning and clutching his stomach.

 _"Better than cigarettes, better than alcohol.. Than sex, than love.."_  
Deep breath, release.  
And Graham would watch him sink into the mattress, eyes fluttering shut. 

_"Better than life, y'know?"_

Better than life. 

Maybe had he picked up on the signs earlier, if he had realized the muffled sobs coming from his room stemmed from fear of loosing grip, if he had caught on to his subtle pleas, if he hadn’t tuned out when he when he spoke to him every-fucking-night in a far away voice. Just maybe Damon would be here with him now. Maybe he'd still hear his laugh, see his smile, hold him and kiss him and tell him he loves him.

 

The last words Damon said to him were; "I'll see you soon, stay safe." And then Graham watched him disappear into the crowd, all alone, just like he had met him and just as he had left him.


End file.
